D.VICE Sex Q & A. My husband who won't have sex regularly, what shall I do?

Question. No sex asks; My husband does not have sex with me regularly. What shall I do?

D.VICE Sexpert replies; Times of sexual incompatibility can be very stressful for a couple, but the most important thing to remember is to keep the lines of communication clear and open, and try not to place any blame on either yourself or your partner. Sexuality is a very fluid thing and people go through ebbs and flows with their sexual drive throughout their lives, and this can be for many reasons. In relationships it is common for there to be differing levels of desire, and this may change depending on circumstances. In a heterosexual relationship it is often wrongly assumed that the ‘high desire partner’ will be the guy. However it is common for both women and men to experience times of low desire in our lifetimes. This may be due to lifestyle, physical and hormonal changes, psychological causes and relationship issues. However there are lots of ways a couple can be intimate, ensuring an ongoing fun and satisfying sexual relationship.

The most important thing here, if you haven’t already done it, is to sit down and discuss this between yourselves. Mention to him that you have noticed his lack of interest in sex, and ask him what he feels may be the cause. Share how it feels for you and how an ongoing sexual relationship with him is what you desire. It’s often hard to discuss our sex lives without our sexual egos being present, but try to speak calmly and accept that while it takes two to tango, it also take two to not have sex. Many things can contribute to low libido such as stress, lack of sleep, not enough exercise (or too much), unhealthy eating habits or medication. It could also just be a part of his sexual cycle, he may be experiencing a period of lower sex drive, which can be demoralising and confusing. This is a great time for you as a couple to discuss what you would both like to try sexually in the future, and any things you would like to change in your sexual relationship. We often just expect our sex lives to stay buoyant without putting in any time and effort. With our day to day routines it can be hard for a relationship to remain dynamic and intimate.

Try to be open and understanding as you work through this period, and stay positive. It can be easy to slip into blaming the low desire partner and for other relationship issues to become intermingled with our sexual relationship.Taking responsibility for your own sexual needs can often take the pressure off and open up a world of enjoyable solo pleasure. Masturbation is healthy and fun for both women and men. Sometimes people stop masturbating or do it less when they are in a long term relationship. However there is a lot of evidence to suggest that couples who continue to indulge in self pleasure also maintain a healthy sexual relationship together. Masturbating is great for discovering and exploring new techniques and sex toys, maintains a healthy libido and it can take the pressure off for the low desire partner too. Perhaps investing in a quality sex toy for yourself may be a good idea. Many women find that exploring areas such as the G-spot, learning to ejaculate, or experimenting with anal play are a lot of fun to explore as part of solo play.

The Swan Trumpeter is a unique vibrator designed for G-spot stimulation and has had some ‘Wow!’ reviews by D.VICE staff. Another very popular vibrator is the Lelo Mona, which is stunning and has amazing vibrating functions. If you are keen to experiment with some anal play a D.VICE silicone buttplug is a great place to start, along with a quality lubricant such as Probe or LubeXXX. Check out the D.VICE Advice Q&A book for some great sex tips and answers to your questions about sex. Written by Wendy and Ema the owners of D.VICE, it’s informative and fun to read.

If your husband is just finding he is lacking in libido at the moment, a good look at your current lifestyle might offer some clues. Look for ways to de-stress, become healthier and take time romantically for the two of you. Often sex can be the last thing you think of when you get into bed after a stressful, busy day. Taking time out for just the two of you can be very important so you can reconnect. Some people also like to look at alternative therapies such as acupuncture to help re-balance hormone levels.

A full health check may be of help as well, as there are many medical issues that can decrease sex drive such as diabetes and low or high blood pressure, as well as all the aforementioned unhealthy habits that we all tend to indulge in day to day. And many types of medication can affect libido as well, so if your husband is on any regular medication, he may want to discuss that with his medical practitioner.

At D.VICE we have a few options to support men who are experiencing low libido or lack of desire. Bona is a herbal supplement to support erectile function. It’s very effective and can be perfect if the lack of desire is resulting in inability to achieve an erection. The Pulse II is a state of the art vibrating toy for men, which can be used for solo or couples play and it’s been getting rave reviews. Perhaps he is keen to explore prostate stimulation, which feels sensational for men of all sexualities. A petite silicone butt plug made in NZ by D.VICE can be a great place to start (along with lube of course), before moving onto a prostate massager such as the Nexus Neo.

There are also sex therapists or couples counselors available that may be able to provide some useful tools to help you both feel more satisfied, and can be a great way to open the lines of communication if you are finding it hard to discuss between you. Seeing a qualified Sex Therapist as a couple is a great option. While it can feel a little daunting taking this step it can be not only helpful but a great affirmation of your commitment to each other.

Stay positive and remember that a great sexual relationship does begin at the lips…with talking with our partners about sex.