D.VICE Sex Q & A. My wife and I no longer have sex - would a sex therapist help?

My wife and I no longer have sex, we love each other and we’ve tried a few things, but we don’t seem to connect in that way anymore. Would a sex therapist be a good idea?

D.VICE Sexpert Replies;

Going to to see an experienced couples counsellor or sex therapist and talking with your wife about sexual issues can be helpful in giving you both direction and give you insights that may be difficult to achieve on your won.

In the realm of sex therapy there are  people who work as counsellors with a counselling qualification or a psychologist who actually specialises in sex and relationship therapy.
I recommend that you put quite a lot of energy into finding somebody that’s going to suit the both of you. If you suggest to your wife that you see a therapist together and she is not keen,  you can seek counselling for yourself first which can be really helpful. Both of you can go individually, and then potentially go as a couple later on.

I think it’s really important to think whether you would feel more comfortable with a female or male therapist. and if you are going together you can agree to seek another therapist if you are not happy with the first one you meet.

Going to see a sex therapist on your own can be an opportunity to talk totally confidentially to a third party and so you can actually disclose information that you may not have ever disclosed before including to your partner. Often it is much easier to say something to somebody you don’t actually know, who doesn’t have an emotional investment or interest in the outcome.

It can be hard to make the initial phone call and making an appointment , but once you actually do that and go along to your first session you can find it liberating and affirming.

The role of a sex therapist is to be really encouraging, to give lots of positive suggestions, to actually allow you to step out of your relationship and look at the whole relationship dynamic so you can actually see what’s has happened  and what  external factors that may be affecting your ability to connect intimately and sexually with each other.

You may discover that one or both of you are so focused on the rest of your life and are very stressed and have no energy left for intimacy.
Few of us in long term relationships remember to make time for sex at all and  we are so driven to achieve in so many other areas that we don’t actually allow ourselves the time to focus on our sexual relationships with our partners.

A sex therapist can just give you useful information about how to communicate more effectively with your wife. Good communication in a relationship including how to express your sexual needs sex in a way that doesn't become confrontational or blaming can be helpful. Learning how to listen to what your wife has to say without reacting negatively is essential as well.

Where one person wants in a relationship wants to start trying something different their partner can feel threatened and vulnerable so taking care and speaking and acting sensitively can be essential.

When choosing a therapist I recommend you to talk to the potential sex therapist over the phone first, just to get a feel for how they communicate, if you resonate with them at all, you can actually interview therapists too, as it really important that you do find the right person.

Probably the internet is a really good place to start off, Google sex therapists in your area and there’s some great sex therapy clinics that have some very skilled therapists,
I know of a couple who’ve been working in the field for  25 years in Auckland who are, and they have quite a lot of information on their websites about their own journey, they have children, a lot of real issues that a lot of people face and are very successful.

Sex therapy can be very successful for couples and can result in positive outcomes for your relationship.